Friday, May 07, 2004

I HEAR THE SECRETS THAT YOU KEEP...WHEN YOU'RE LEOTARDING IN YOUR SLEEP.

The Leotard is spazzing out over the last post, claiming that the whole mouse teeth story is a bunch of "lies." For those of you who doubt me, see the post from 4/23/04.

A few nights ago I had a hard time sleeping because Leo was snoring. Allow me to take a moment to describe exactly what his snoring is like. He has a vast repertoire of snorts, grunts, wheezes, groans, whistles, and hisses. He sounds like he's messing around with an old radio show's sound effects cabinet. Sometimes when I'm jarred awake in the morning I turn to find him lying face up, with his lips cemented together except for a round hole in the middle where his breath whistles out like a tea kettle.

So a few nights ago I went to bed after him and he was already at it full force. I tried for quite a while to fall asleep, but it was no use. I'm not allowed to nudge him awake or turn him over because he'll bolt up, yelling "Why are you mean to me?" So I have to wake him gently and verbally. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Leo. Leo. Leo.
Leo: What what! What!
Me: You were snoring really loud.
Leo: It wasn't me.
Me: Yes, it was.
Leo: No. It was somebody else.
Me: No, it wasn't. You're the only other person in the room.
Leo: Oooooh! What are you? Some kind of freaky--some kind of freaky EXPERT?
Me: Well, I'm an expert on how many people are in the room.
Leo: Ooooh! Are you?
Me: Will you just prop yourself up?
Leo: (Shocked.) WHAT?
Me: Will you just put some pillows under you and prop yourself up?
Leo: You expect me to--You actually think I'm going to-- I'm not going to POSE for you!
Me: What?
Leo: I am NOT going to POSE for you!
Me: What do you think you're posing for?
Leo: You're going to put me on LEOTARDED!
Me: You got that right!

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