Friday, April 23, 2004

ALL HE REMEMBERS FROM SCIENCE CLASS IS THAT BLACKE BYLE IS THE MELANCHOLICK HUMOUR

My Dad works with some people who unironically read the Weekly World News, home of Bat Boy among other things. One day they had a copy at work, and the cover announced that a woman had given birth to a litter of puppies. One of the guys my dad works with said, "That is just wrong." My Dad assumed momentarily that he was referring to the stupidity of the doctored photo until the guy clarified, "Why would a woman make love to a dog?"

We can all laugh at this guy and think of such people as somewhat removed from our daily lives, but I am here to remind you, ladies and gentlemen, that the Leotard is among us.

Leo has roughly the same beliefs about the human body and science in general that a fouteenth-century physick would have held. To wit:

1. He believes that snot is phlegm that the lungs push up into the head. This is corroborated for him by the fact that whenever he has a runny nose he usually has chest congestion. I have given up on this one. We even talked to a medical student (which was ridiculously unnecessary) who laughed at him, but he is still not convinced.

2. A couple of days ago he was looking at his wrists and turned to me and asked, "Why are my veins blue?" I told him that it was because blood in the veins is oxygen-deprived and becomes bluish, while arterial blood is red. Now, in fairness, I have since learned that this is only part of the reason-- it also has to do with how Caucasian skin filters that bluish color. But, anyway, Leo seemed to think this concept-- blood getting its oxygen used up and returning to the heart for replenishment from the lungs-- was completely far-fetched. He over and over said, "You're trying to trick me!" and "This is a trick!"

3. A few months ago we were making fun of people who take fertility pills and give birth to seven babies. I made a joke about how if you think twins are hot, you should take a look at those septuplets in Iowa (or wherever they are). Inexplicably, Leo said, "Yeah, I get really turned on by septuplets who range in age from seven to fifteen." It took him a moment to realize that septuplets are typically closer in age than that. I still don't know what he was getting at in the first place.

In other news, the Leotard has become frightened of this blog. Every time he says something leotarded he either sneers, "Ooooh, what, are you going to put that on LEOTARDED?" or says, "Please don't put that on Leotarded!"

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